Wednesday, October 05, 2011

I've got to get this out!

Seriously, its eating me up! I rarely complain about our infertility problems (unless its my husband reading this, in which case, I complain about it ALL the time). One release I had is going to get my hair done. I know that sounds corny, but my stylist (that's what they're called these days, as per her business card) has also had problems getting pregnant. Not quite like ours-but problems the same and we could talk about it-sympathize with each other, feel like you had a buddy in despair with you-read, not alone in misery. She's never been told by a Dr. that their chances of getting pregnant is 0.000000000% (yeah you're reading that correctly.) But, she's pregnant after a year of trying.... I'm not.

There are moments when it seems everyone I know is pregnant, and its hard I tell you, HARD! -Emotional- whatever you want to call it!

This year, EVERY SINGLE ONE of the women on my visiting teaching roll was pregnant, including my visiting teaching partner (its an LDS thing), and my visiting teacher = HARD! (best ironic thing ever? My list was changed one week after the last woman had her baby)

This year, 2 women in the Primary Presidency with me were pregnant! That only left me and the woman who has like 5 grand kids not pregnant =HARD!

This year at work, the other therapist at the boys residential home, the woman who watched Kam when we drove out there, the assistant program director, the program director for the proctor program, the admin assistant, my own admin assistant, the CEO's wife, two other therapists wives, and the list goes on.... I think the final count was like 15 babies in our office.... =HARD!

Oh, and let's add that it started last fall with my sister-in-law being prego, and ended with my other sister-in-law being prego =HARD! (although, I would not want to trade shoes with my brother and his family right now, they have their own hard)

Anyway, you get it! Kamren will be 4 next month (which I know is not an EXTREMELY long time) but, it's a long time when you're in it. So, it's hard to sit in the salon, listen to EVERY one in there talk about how 1 yr is soooo long to wait to be pregnant, and just keep my mouth shut.

I think what's most discouraging is that nothing feels right- not adoption, not foster care, not medical treatment..... nothing.  And, I feel so ungrateful talking like this. Kam is our miracle, and when we got pregnant with him I thought the longing for a child would end... it hasn't-and I feel selfish for that!


Megan and TJ said...

Joslin, though I don't know what it is like to struggle with something like that, I have many friends that do. One of them shared this talk with me and I thought you might like the link. She has taken great strength from it as it has been 10+ years and they will never be able to have a child of their own. I hope it brings a little comfort!

It is by Ardith G. Kapp and called Just The Two of Us For Now?

It comes from the 1989 August Ensign if you want to look it up!

Just know that we are thinking of you guys and love you!

scuz said...

I know you don't want to hear this from me, but when i hear about your (and others) infertility tragedies it totally pisses me off that amazing couples deal with this plight.
At times I shake me fists at heaven and say WHY??? this is one of the many questions on my list to ask when I meet my maker. I am only human, and I just dont get it.